The Friendly, Intelligent, Talking Spiders Invade Genesis

(a.k.a. The Spider Chronicles)

by Evil New Age Villain Chatty, Shinobi, Jen-chan, Jay, Linaly, VoidStar, Chibi*Ningi, and Andrael

It all began one fateful day in the Emiko's Genesis Chatroom ...

(*in bounces Yuna, the Cybernetic Android*)

Yuna: Konnichi wa, minna-san! Hai, it's me, Yuna!! I'm here all by myself. The Evil One is actually working today instead of goofing off. Nothing big, just squelching some cockroach uprising in ... um ... dammit, I always forget the name of that dimension. The one full of Giant, Friendly, Intelligent Cockroaches and Spiders with High-Pitched Voices.?Scary place. (*shudders*) Well, it could be worse. I've never had a Giant Spider hit on me yet. ^_^

(*Sephiroth stumbles in, hurting very badly from both a hangover and having been beat up by Matt Yazama earlier*)

Sephiroth: Ouch. As if one would.

Yuna: (*glares at Sephiroth*) Well it's not my fault I look like this!! The stupid Evil One just happened to decide that the best material to a Mecha-Interface Cybernetic Android out of was scrap junk.

Sephiroth: Izzat why you have pogo sticks for legs?

Yuna: HAI. Now get ...

(*Enter a MOOGLE*)

Moogle: The cockroach rebellion has been squished ... er, I mean squelched. That means the Very Evil Mistress is on her way!!

Yuna: Aaaa! Quick!! Outta my way! Outta my way!

(*Yuna bounces out, hitting Sephiroth over the head on her way*)

Sephiroth: Ouch.

(*he passes out, and the Moogle leaves*)

(*Chatty runs into the chatroom, wearing a lavender EVA plugsuit*)

Chatty: Whew!! Konnichi wa, minna-san! It took me *this* long to get away from those spammed spiders. Ugh. (*shudders*) Shinobi, prepare to make chopped spider suoy in case any of them wander in here ... they may be after you too. Speaking of which, where's Yuna? Anybody see her lately?

(*a spider the size of a soccer ball scurries into the chatroom*)

Spider: (*note: It has a very annoying, high-pitched squeak of a voice >_<*) WAI!!! YOU'RE CUTE!! WANNA DATE?!?!

Chatty: Aaaa!! (*blasts the spider with a fire spell and RUNS*)

Spider: *cough* What? Was it something I said?

(*enter Jen-chan and Jay*)

Jen-chan: Konnichi wa minna-san! have returned tired and bored so I decided to go here! Oh well, same old, same old....giant friendly mutant spiders....killer tomatos.....*piku* Anno..I've played Final Fantasy 7 for PSX, actually I own it. It's a masterpiece. It has a captivating storyline, romantic scenes, heart wrenching scenes, awesome cinematics, a great battle system, and enough action to last pro-gamers for a long time. Oh well, mind my babbling as always.

Jay: Lucky you! ^_^
Nya!!!! I have NEVER played it, I dont have a PSX, and my steepid comp doesnt support the PC version... My life sux... ^^;
Guess itīs time to get all of my money and go buy a PSX ne? ^^; Also, why havent we seen you on ICQ Jen-chan? Weīve all missed ya. ^^

Ken: Yeah... HIM mostly... >_<

Jay: Nani?!?!? KEN!!!!!! O_O

Ken: Yo Jay! ^_^

Jay: Ken no baka... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!

Ken: This is a public chat hotshot... ^^ Besides, I like making you look stupid! HAH!

Jay: Oh yeah... Heh... ^^;;
Did you get me those MP3 files we need for the slayers page? ^^ Heheh.

Ken: Hai! It was no problem... HEY WE ARE GONNA OPEN AN SLAYER SHRINE, FULL OF MP3 MUSIC FILES!!!!! MWAHAH!

Jay: >_< Oy... *sigh*

Ken: HAH! ^_^

Jay: >_<

Ken: Anno...

Jay: Why the heck do you keep---

Ken: HAI! I just like to see you look stupid baka, thatīs what friends are for! ^_^

Jay: Then I guess you wont be mad if I told Chatty-san about---
*enter some funny music theme. Ken and Jay are SD now*
Ken: DAMMIT JAY NO!! *throws a wooden bucket on Jay's head* x_X

Jay: *falls back* Orooro?

Ken: YOULL PAY YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF DUST!!!!!!!!!!! *Gets his iron mallet out of nowhere*

*poof*

Ken: Nani?!?!?! JAY!!!! WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GO?????? DAMN YOU!

(*he leaves*)

(*enter Chibi*Ningi*)

Chibi*Ningi: ....say, it's been a long time now..^.^...hmm...friendly spiders?!? o.o..shesh, I never thought spiders are friendly...::splat ^_^

(*Chibi*Ningi leaves*)

(*Andrael drags Chatty back in. He points at the partially roasted Spider*)

Andrael: You MONSTER!!! Spiders are our friends!!! Haven't you ever read "Charlotte's Web"?!

(does double YUUUUUMI-DONOOOOOOOO! cheer to make up for forgetting it in the last post)

Spider: YAY!!! People like me, they really like me ... WAI WAI WAI WAI!!

(*Chatty looks at the Giant Spider and does a double take*)

Spider: Hehehehehe. You're silly.

Chatty: I *really* shouldn't have worn an EVA plugsuit in that universe.

Spider: But you look so cuuuuuuuute in it!! Wanna date?

(*Spider glomps onto Chatty's leg*)

Chatty: NO. (*shakes the Spider loose*)

Spider: Awwww ... you sure?

Chatty: HAI.

Spider: Damn.

(*pouts for approximately 5 seconds, and then ...*)

Spider: SHINOBI! SHI~~~NO~~~BI!!!

(*runs off in search of Shinobi*)

Chatty: *Whew*. Sorry, I don't have anything personal against spiders ... well, okay, maybe I do, but that's besides the point. I just don't like them hitting on me. 'Cuse me while I go change. I can't stand long in this outfit. (*indicates lavender EVA plugsuit*)

(*Jay enters*)

Jay: *Mumbles* Void no baka... *sigh*
*Looks at you* O_O Oh, gomen, hehehehe. Why are spiders crazy about Chatty-san? I think you should give the little furball a chance Chatty.. Ne? >=P

(*Chatty shakes her head and leaves as Linaly enters*)

Linaly: (*over her cellular phone*) Voidstar ... yaoi ... please explain a little more ... what's yaoi mean? I'm still a bit unstable in my Japanese (it might be hard to learn because of all the scarring moments in French 3- the thought of that class makes me irritated! French Teacher-baka!!!) I think i have a clue on what ya mean...

(*finally sees the Spider*)

Linaly: Spiders?! AHHHK i have arachniphobia big-time.... c-could you please keep them away from me.... *squirms* ewww... o_O;;;

Spider: NYA!!! Linaly KAWAII!!!!!!!! *starts chasing Linaly who is already running away* NYA NYA NYA

(*Spider crashes into Jay*)

Jay: Nani? Gomen little spider! ^^

Spider: Move!!! Me chasing Kawaii Linaly!!! NYA NYA!

Jay: *Moves outta Spiders way* Oo What The HECK was that about? Hummm... Are we being invaded by spiders??

*poke poke*

Jay: X_x Oro?

2nd Spider: KAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jay: *Looks around* You talking to me little spider? ^^

2nd Spider: *Grasps Jayīs arm* NYA NYA!

Jay: Nani??!? GET OFF OF ME!!!!!! @@

2nd Spider: NYA!!!!!!

Jay: *Shakes his arm like crazy* LET GO!!!!!!!!! OO

2nd spider: NO!!!!

Spider: *runs by* WHERE LINALY?!?!?!?!?!

Jay: >_< YO! YOU! GREEN SPIDER! GET YOUR FRIEND OFF ME!!!!

Spider: NO! BUSY LOOKING FOR KAWAII LINALY! NYA!

2nd Spider: ^o^

*Runs off*

2nd Spider: KAWAII GUY MINE! NYAHAHA!

Jay: My armīs gonna fall off... *sigh*

(*enter Void-Star, Rei, Aoi ... there is much rejoicing among the people ... ^_-*)

Void-Star: (*over cordless phone*) Well, "yaoi" refers to....um....physical affection between two people of the same gender, more often two males....but I have seen it used to refer to a female couple (Ritsuko and Maya, namely). It is NOT hentai, because usually it's nowhere NEAR as explicit (at least, not what I've read and not what I plan to write, dammit). (*looking up from phone at Jay*) And dammit Jay, why're you calling ME an idiot?!! Rei-san was the one who said it, not me!!! >:P

Rei: Yeah! And I resent being called an idiot for it, since you two were obviously too cowardly to say it yourselves!

Aoi: Hey, a relationship for me to manipulate! So, Jay, what did you first imagine when you saw Jen-chan....did you want to be intimate with her, or kill her? *Suddenly collapses* They've suffered enough....DON'T MAKE ME TORMENT THEM ANY MORE!!!!

Rei: ~_~;;; Not this bit again. Damn it....Aoi, get the Hell out of here and blubber about your problems to someone else!

Aoi: *Sniff Sniff* Lyn....I mean, ah dammit, I did it AGAIN....sorry, people! *Smiles prettily and waves* Ja ne!

Rei: For the people here who were totally lost throughout that exchange, go to this place. That should explain things. And Jay, Jen-chan, ignore ANY questions Aoi asks you, trust me on that one.

Jay: I could just kill you now Aoi, but I have a spider on my right arm right now... ^^;; And I dont have to answer your question... Heheh. ^^

Spider: NYA!

Jay: Why wont you go anyway???

(*Enter the great Shinobi and his sidekick, Lyrical Ballads*)

Just had to find the most reccomended ArmorSmith in the Omniverse, didn't we? Stupid car breaks down, and i have to walk back to Genesis... oh well, Lyric, explain to me how sheep's bladders-

Lyric:

Warning! Danger! Danger! Incoming!

Spider:

You're kute!

AAAAAAA!!!*Scrambles backwards... frame backpacy jingleing*

Lyric:

Target analyzed... It's a GIFT!
Oh, !dang! Armor Class I: ON!
*Shinobi grabs Sephiroth style sholder plates and yanks down... armor plate telescope out...*

Spider:

Wanna go out on a date?!
Can't! I'm a robot (this armor looks robotic, so that should fool her...)

Spider:

But robots are extra kute!
!dang! it again! Armor extra I [Wings]: ON!
*Shinobi leaps into the air, the spider cliinging to his chest. He then dives toward the ground shaking off the spider, but not befor it plants a kiss on his non-band-aided cheek, leaving a huge red lipstick mark*
What is a slider doing wearing lipsitck? Wait *whips out an ugly book marked "Chemistry"* like only attracts like, so kute can only effect kute... MAI-CHAAAAN HELP! *ducks behind a rock*

Jen-chan: Ack! Spiders everywhere! The EG chatroom is being flooded with spiders!!! (*raises katana and little spider*) Look,I won't kill you if you just leave us alone or go date Charlotte or something. Now MATA! Go NOW!!!

(*the Spiders laugh at her*)

Jen-chan: WHAT??!! (grabs bug spray -- its actually filled with hair spray,gotta keep a good hair style ^_~)

Spiders: Ack! Gomen Nasai..wanna date sometime cutie????

Jen-chan: Cutie??!!! What the heck do you think your talking to??? Now,get off Jay's arm and stop acting like perverted spiders!!

(*the spiders make no reply*)

Jen-chan: Hmm..these spiders sure are quiet....wait a second! Maybe they are MUTANT spiders! (*raises katana) KAITEN KENBU!!!!!!

Spiders: GAHHHH!!!!! (*runs away*)

Jen-chan: Whew, that's better. (*wipes off a sweatdrop*) Anyone notice the bug shortage lately?? (*wry grin*)

(*the Spiders return with reinforcements*) Jen-chan: Ack! They're back! (*raises Masamune*) Geez, you just keep coming back for more, ne??? Well, I have a SECRET weapon. I will get Mai to hug you and go "WAI!!" Now do u want that spiders??

Spiders: Is she cute???

Jen-chan: (*gives an evil grin*) In normal standards she is the ultimate kawaiiness...

Spiders: Hey,hear that?? Can we meet her?? (*gets off Jay's arm*)

Jen-chan: Hai,of course!!^_~ (*winks at Jay*)

Jay: Finally! (*smile*) Arigato domo Jen-chan! ^_^ (*Draws his Katana*) I wonīt let them come near me again... ^^

Jen-chan: No problemo Jay-san....^^;;; All I need now is bug spray or a can of raid. They seem to be coming out of every crack.......^__^

Rei: Spider problem, eh? Well, this payback has been a long time coming. Hasn't it, Aoi? *Smirks*

Aoi: *Whacks a spider away from herself* A long time!!

Rei: Indeed. *Air around Rei begins to haze as her AT Field spreads* If you need help, Jen-chan, Aoi and I shall be happy to provide it.

Aoi: *Grins, deploys her Field, and starts smashing spiders left and right*

(*Linaly comes running in with large green spider behind her*)

Linaly: AAaaaayyiiiehh! Ick! Ick!!! Get awaaaayy!!!

G. Spider: No, you're kawaii!

Linaly: Ewwwy!!! That's it! Arachniphobic or not- Your going down! *Whips out a large staff and winces* Die @#!%-er!

G. Spider: Ahhhh! *squwish*

Linaly: *Twirls staff and winks* Anybody else need exterminating help?
Voidstar, that sounds interesting- when your finished you should post it or something... *something jumps on her back* Ack!

Grey Spider: Nya!!!

Linaly: AAAghhh!!! GET IT OFF MEEEEE!!!!

(*runs around in circles shreaking, too afraid to use her staff*)

Linaly: Voidstar! Chatty! Jay! Jen-chan! Shinobi! SOMEBODY HEEELP MEEE!!!

(*Shinobi comes out from behind the Rock*)

Shinobi: Linaly, you got your backup! here i am, and the fact that there seem to be thousands of these darn spiders really gets rid of my original reticence to just lay into them... *unsheaths flame blade and goes to work* the more i cut the more there seem to be!
Spider: that was kute! please date me, robot man!
Shinobi: i'm not a robot! it's just a suit of armor! *Blade slash!*
Spider: then that's really, really kute!
Shinobi: i bet we could all take um... *slashes again* personally, i wonder where they are all coming from... Lyric, could you scan for any anomaly that would be the source for the sudden spider ingress!
Lyric: can (and am) do (-ing)...

(*Enter Yuna*)

Yuna: Konnichi wa, minna-san! I'm back!! And this time I'm here with some anti-Spider weaponry -- specially imported from their home universe!!

(*enter some dancing spiders *)

Yuna: Ack! Plan A, attack!

attacks the spiders

Spider Senshi, transform!!

(*the five spiders transform into the famous Spider Senshi*)

Super Web Wrap-around!!!

Glittery Spiderwebs form out of the air and envelop , thus incapacitating it.

Yuna: YAH! Plan B, attack!!

appears and attacks the Spider Senshi

Aaaa! Supreme Thunder Cockroach!!!

appears and kills

Yuna: Dammit -- it's the Supreme Thunder Cockroach!! Run away!! Run away!!

(*Yuna bounces out*)

YAY!! The Spider Senshi score another victory in the name of Freedom and Justice and cool stuff like that! Neato! Let's go celebrate!

Yeah! And find that robot guy too. He's CUTE!!

(*the Spider Senshi leave*)

I'm hungry. Had any good garbage lately?

Linaly: eewwwy! Thanks Shinobi! ^_^ Spider Senshi!? *forgets her phobia- whips out long staff and starts knocking spiders every where* Gee! Ian-san could make a manga outta this! I think this is a good time to bring in the girls! *In walks three girls*

Sari: Sari Otomo here!!! Hiya!! *Produces a ball of glowing, blue condensed energy in her hands and levetates* bye bye spiders! *Throws ball of energy at a group of spiders broducing arachnids a la flambe*

Starla: damn spiders! INTERSTELLAR BLAAAST! *rush of celestial energy dissolves another portion of spiders*

Tweak: Nrgg... they got all the spell crap... but i gotta dagger! ha ha ha! *starts stabbing*

Linaly: *turns to the chat group fighting spiders* I'd like you all to meet, Sari Otomo, Starla Otomo and Tweak Miso- they're here to help...

Sari: I'm a big fan of Mai-chan! Will i get here autograph after this? *blasts a few more spiders* Feww... where are they all coming from??

Linaly: Lyric! Have you found out the source of this ickyness yet??? eww....*cringes and backs up as more spiders creep forward*

VoidStar: Damn these spiders! Any suggestions, Rei-san?

Rei: *Whispers in his ear, and he starts to smile*

VoidStar: That can wait until we're alone. But while you were saying that, I thought of something. Spiders! Cease your attack or I'll unleash Sohryu Asuka Langley on yer sorry spider asses!!! And if that doesn't work, I'll lock the lot of ya in a small room and make you watch "MD Geist" over and over again!!!!!

(*The Spiders curl back in horror. Some run away screaming ...*)

Sari: *Looks around* Some of the spiders are going away!

Tweak: I think it's because Voidstar threatend them with 'M.D. Geist" ^_^

Starla: Isn't that the mascot for US Manga Corps?

Tweak: sadly...

Linaly: hey quit the small chat - there are still *wince* spiders running after people! O_o;

Starla: O! right! INTERSTELLAR BLAST!

Shinobi: Sabre Slash! huh, this isn't working, there are far too many of them... we have to attack the source. Lyric, you got a fix on it yet?
Lyric: Got em, boss! They came through on Chatty's Evangelion!
Shinobi: The perfect place to hide out if one is searching for a certain lavender-suited individual... i've got a plan, it's a million to one shot but it just might work... here goes:
  • Linaly: you, me and your squad will hold them off here, keeping the situation under control
  • VoidStar: you and Void's Angels will set up an AT Field to corral the Spiders and give chatty room to "work"
  • Chatty: Open up a can of Whoop A$$ on anything with 8 legs using your Eva
  • Jen-chan and Jay: You are the Floaters... help whomever needs helping
Lyric: Sounds good to me, do you have a backup?
Shinobi: Yes, i DO have a backup plan... I wouldn't be much of a planner without one...
Spider: Awww... that plan is soooo kute!
Shinobi: Jump in anytime guys!

(*a spider jumps Sephiroth, who is having a very bad hangover*)

You're cute!!! Wanna date?!?

Sephiroth: Aaaa! I don't deserve this! This isn't a fanfic ...

Well, actually ...

(*Enter Cloud with the "Ultima Butter Knife" slung over his shoulder*)

Cloud: I don't care. All I want to do is SLICE SOME SPIDERS!!! YAH!!

Sephiroth: Yeah!!

(*they draw their swords and begin to slaughter the massive onslaught of Spiders or something to that effect*)

End of Part One ...
On to Part Two